STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW DO I GET A HIP HOP NAME?

"How do you get your hip hop name? Is this something, which is given to you, by your bros’ as a nickname? I have finally written some songs but I need a cool name to go with them.

Thanks bro’!


-Chad"

Dearest Chadley,

While I am unfamiliar with how most people in the biz determine or declare their Hip Hop handles, I can tell you about where mine came from. You see, I'm a bit of a rule breaker. A radical.

Here's what you have to do. Adequate street cred will follow, but if you stray from these instructions, your cred actually inverts in on itself. It's messy; people rarely come back from it. Vanilla Ice bought a real-life wallaby and ended up on reality TV with Da Brat. Another unfortunate choice on her part.

1) Start with your favourite food. For me, that's easy. French fries. Then, what food is that food made out of? My answer is obviously 'potatoes'. If your favourite food is eggplant, or chicken, this eliminates a step for you.

2) Next up, your deepest darkest skeleton hiding in the closet needs to be pulled out. Like, this one time in first grade I hoofed a guy in the stomach because he wanted to kiss me. Then when he threatened to tell I cried to the teacher and made it sound like I had apologized and he wouldn't listen. Yours might be something like 'had to write to Pause Designs for hip hop name advice.' You could shorten that to 'Asky', or something risk-taking like 'Dunce'.

3) Last, is to be sure of what you hope to accomplish in your career. Whether it's to interrupt people's acceptance speeches and irritate them even though your music is really catchy and you have sunglasses that look like window shutters, or to date Jennifer Lopez in order to get ahead because you couldn't get out from underneath the shadow of the talent that your late mentor seemed to ooze from his every pore. Your goals will dictate whether your name should end in a 'ye' a 'y' (or variations like 'eezy') a 'z' or even (if you've sets your sights REALLY high) a 'G'.

I hope this helps.
May you say raps that pierce us to the very core.

ONE,
Spud-ye Gutz


I forgot. A prefix like 'Lil' is ONLY allowed if you're part of a hip hop legacy. This does not include your father if he happens to be a rapper, because he'd probably be really upset that you came to us too and would reject this blemish on his cred. Chin up, Chadwell.

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!