STRAIGHT SHOOIN': HOW DO I BECOME A SUPERHERO?

"hi straight shooter. i am interested in becoming a superhero and i dont
know where to begin?!"

-anonymous


Dear Sir/Miss Nonymous,

You've already taken a step in the right direction by not disclosing your real name. I can see you take this profession seriously.

I'm hoping this doesn't disappoint you too much, but I've got what some might consider to be bad news. It'll get better, but it might feel like a hot bullet through your aspirations before the good part comes. Just indulge me, I'm either an expert in this, or I know someone who pretends to be.

There is no way for you to become a superhero of your own volition. My sources (and I have at least one) have told me that most superheroes become the way they are by way of unfortunate accidents that yield extraordinary results. Peter Parker's plight comes to mind. You may also be familiar with Johnny Blaze's/Ghost Rider's sordid past. The other kind of superhero comes from a universe outside our own, like Superman, or Martian Manhunter. Some of them are gods where they're from: Thor, Ares, blah blah blah blah.

It's probably becoming clear to you now that your odds don't look good. Radioactive spiders, Gamma rays or being born an Amazonian princess aren't possible gateways in. Ever. But hark, for I've an idea that you just might ADORE.

Become a super villain. Not only is your initiation much easier to achieve, but in a world where everyone is striving to be good, why not spread some unadulterated evil? There's simply not enough of it, as far as I'm concerned.

All super villains have become the way they are because they've found someone or something to bitch about. Whether it's something dreadful that a superhero inadvertently did to them that crushed their dreams, or an unfortunate mishap involving a jilted lover and some radiation that fuses a harness with crazy ass robot arms to their back, they're pissed and they don't care who dies because of it. Far easier an avenue for you, if I do say so myself.

Now, how you go about this is entirely your choice. I don't know how public you want this whole 'coming out' thing to be, but there are plenty of ways to make a splash. From what I know about humans, they tend to gather around electronics store windows filled with television sets right when the bad guy's wreaking havoc and some one's managed to catch it on camera. Seems viable. *Find a news camera, and do something treacherous in front of it.

Under no circumstances should you settle on being any one's sidekick. There's no excuse for that, and I won't have it happen as a result of my advice. Y'heard?

Godspeed,
Chomps

*Disclaimer: If you end up in jail, this does NOT give you license to come after me. I created you, I can take you away. Or something.

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!