STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': JACKIE CHAN OR CHRIS TUCKER?

"if jackie chan or chris tucker were both having separate rush hour three
parties and invited me. whos should i go to?

-Jamie"

Peep this Jamie:

I’mma give it to you straight. I think we both know the answer to this question, and it has nothing to do with the fact that for, oh, let’s say the last 14 years or so, ever since one Meesta’ Chan rumbled our bronxes, it has been pretty hip to be a fan of Jackie Chan, for realsies. But lemme hitchu’ with some street cred knowledge:

Jackie Chan was Bruce Lee’s stunt double. Street cred 1. Even Bwoo Swee didn’t wanna do what Jackie do. Jackie Chan’s kung fu movies are funny on purpose. Street cred 2. Jackie Chan is a singer. Did you even KNOW he’s released 20 albums since 1984? Street cred 3. Jackie Chan climbed his way up the Hollywood ladder with Cannonball Run 1 AND 2, and didn’t even wanna! Street Cred 4. Jackie Chan owns a heck of a lot of stuff, from his own clothing lines, to a sushi restaurant chain, to fitness clubs. Street cred 5. Need I continue? The man has/does it all.

Now a quick glance at his adversary: Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker is a deadbeat dad. His 10-year-old kid lives with his mom in California while Chris lives in Florida. Chris Tucker is a big baby who refused to do Rush Hour 2 unless he got $20 million for it. Street cred point here though: He got the $20 mill. And J-Chan only got $15 mill. Big street cred point because Chris Tucker was in Friday with none other than Ice Cube. Point deducted, however, as Chris Tucker became a born-again Christian and would not reprise his role in Next Friday.

Jackie Chan has been in over 100 films and television shows in his career. This list does not even include his stunt work, his directing, his producing, or appearances as himself. Chris Tucker has been in 12. Yes, 12. Three of which were Rush Hour related.

The fact that Jackie Chan can even find time to throw a party is a fantastical ninja feat in itself. I mean, what's Chris Tucker been doing with his time, really? He's had what appears to be a lot of spare time to plan his shindig, posing what some may refer to as "an unfair advantage". But can I be real witchu' for a second? Fair or unfair, in no way is Chris Tucker's party advantageous over a Chan Fam Soirée.

Jackie Chan will lovingly prepare sushi for you. He will perform a ballad for you in over 5 different languages. He will kick your ass and you will like it, not just because society says you should.

Chris Tucker will get drunk, impregnate you, and throw up on your new kicks, because he has time to be hungover for the next few days. Chris Tucker will give away the plot to Rush Hour 4 without even alerting you as to a potential spoiler. Chris Tucker: Man? Or foe? Sorry Tuck, just because you were in an episode of Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper, doesn’t mean I vote for your party.

Jackie Chan would not only throw a good party, but he would go to yours if you threw one, Jamie. Jackie Chan is your friend, and he doesn’t even know it yet.
Jamie, I’m thinkin’ Chinese tonight.

Hope this helps!

-Mel, Pause Snake vs. Crane division

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!