STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW DO I AVOID GRIZZLY BEAR ATTACKS?

"Dear Pause,

How do I avoid Grizzly bear attacks? You never know...


-Matt"


Dear Matt:
Good question! As Pause Design’s expert fur trapper and resident chest hair enthusiast, Andrew should really be answering this question. However, my research skills are above par. Thus, I am happy to supply you with an easy-to-understand interpretation of some bear attack avoidance tactics I found at the ever-helpful HowStuffWorks.com.

1. Don't accidentally surprise a mother grizzly and cubs and forget to have quick access to your gun. This is imperative, because otherwise, death is imminent.

2. Learn to read the bear’s body language. If the bear looks like he’s foaming at the mouth when he sees you, or if he begins barreling maniacally towards you with the blood of the human you just saw him eating dripping from his fangs, you may be in trouble. If the bear looks like he’s performing Baryshnikov's finest ballet and is softly singing to you about being BFFs and drinking kool-aid, you may be in trouble still. These bears are suave, and soooo-phisticated, and you sir, will have been duped if you are suddenly pirouetting amidst the bear scat.

3. Pay attention to your surroundings. If you are surrounded by grizzly bears, you’re in a tight spot. It is best to try not to get surrounded by them.

4. Grizzlies will attack for a number of reasons; one of them being, you are near its food. Keep in mind: Grizzlies are omnivorous. This means that they eat plants, insects, and other animals. They are also very adaptable, so they could really eat anything. This means that you are probably standing in grizzly bear territory right now. You are not safe. I'm warning you. If you are near anything, I repeat, anything, you will probably be attacked eventually.

5. Don't make direct eye contact. Grizzlies are extremely commitment-phobic. If you make eye contact, they will assume you are hitting on them in hopes of starting a long-term relationship. You will die as a result.

Hope this helps!
- Mel, Adventure Division, Pause Designs

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!