STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': DO OLD PEOPLE WAKE UP EARLY TO MAKE SURE THEY AREN'T DEAD?

"Do Old People really wake up early to make sure they aren't dead?

-Ben S."


My friend,

You misunderstand. Anyone who has a grandmother knows this can't be true. Anyone with the sense to catch seniors in their natural habitat as a young sprite staying over in the guest bedroom knows this simply isn't the case.

They're writing lists. To-dos, to-buys, to-write-a-card-tos, et cetera, et cetera. They're scanning the pantry for how many cans of peaches to buy on their daily trip to the grocery store. God knows they've already got seven, but most old folks like to keep supplies at a steady eight. Sure, the oldest can on that shelf has long since been considered eatable because it's from 1994, but they wake up earlier than most small birds in order to make sure they remember to buy a new one.

They're also writing five dollar cheques for their grandchildren. They're filing important anecdotes in their extremely large brains that they're going to tell you over your grilled cheese sandwich lunch so that you don't keep walking around the house without slippers on, or crossing your eyes.

Though this may not sit nicely, I strongly feel you should check yourself before you riggidy WRECK yourself, because old people get more shit done in the small hours of the morning than we accomplish in an entire day. You'll note that it probably took you about 10 whole minutes to write and send your Straight Shootin' question, and it's taken me approximately 45 minutes to get this answer written. An elderly person has already hung 55 ugly Easter decorations on the outside of their bungalow in that combined time.

Those are the facts.

Love Always,
Chomps


Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW CAN I LOOK COOL WHILE USING A PC COMPUTER?

Mr. or Mrs. Shooter. We all know how people who own mac's dress and act. How do I dress and act cool with a PC? - sincerely, a PC user in need of some Jazz!

-Jazzless PC

________________________________________________________

Jeffrey (may I call you that?),

From one PC user to another, I gotta tell you straight up. We're doomed to play out the rest of our lives in disturbing sweater vests and ill-fitting slacks. Mac users are to coolness as female university students are to leggings and ironic moccasins, after all.

Nevertheless, we'll strive for greatness in even the bleakest of circumstances.

Zero to Hero in Six Easy Steps

1. Be cooler.

2. Buy cooler clothes. Came to the right place for this one.

3. If anyone asks you a question that you can't answer, tell them you'll go home and check your Mac and get back to them. Use whichever Mac related prefix or suffix you like. Adding "i" or "lite" or "book" will make it more likely that people will believe you. Most PC users don't even really know what kind of computer they have, so there's little chance you'll mish-mash your actual computer jargon with the fake one.

4. Try cutting your hair like Justin Long's. People love him. He's dreamy or something.

5. If someone comes over, make sure you tell them your Mac's in the shop getting...uh..serviced. PC's get fixed, Mac's get 'serviced' or 'upgraded'. They never need to be fixed because they were crafted on a mountain by the hands of giant-winged, well-endowed seraphim.

6. Stroll about with an undeserved sense of superiority. This will strike people as attractive if they are also Mac users. While us naked mole-rats are burrowing underneath the city streets, you will walk amongst the shiny happy ones.

Go forth and multiply.

Hope this helps,
Chomps

Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': WHAT SHOULD I NAME MY CHILDREN?

"Dear Straight Shootin',

I need to name my children, what first names are suitable?
example: Bur Gur...

peace and love to the pals at Pause.

-John"


Dear John,

I know you. I know you probably have good intentions. I know we’ve shared some good times in Ken’s family barn screaming along to budget metal and taking photos of what eventually would become the greatest clothing line ever. I know you probably don’t always talk the way you did that one time on webcam (for like, an hour straight, and none of us in that room who witnessed what went down on that camera will ever get that hour back). I know you, John. Not well, but enough. I know you enough to know that you should not procreate. John, hear me. Please. Do not have children.

Please note that based on your example of Bur Gur, I am assuming you are going for the Clever but Cruel route in naming your spawn. With that in mind, in the event that you screw up and go against my plea, the following names are suitable (I have also taken into account the time you have spent in other countries, which may lead to the need for names suitable to more than one ethnicity):

Ann
Finn
Bug
Warmon
Cou (pronounced Coo)
Humdin
Ja (pronounced both Ja, and Ya)
Lou
Ty
Zin

Stay away from the following, because people will think your last name is pronounced with a soft G:

Bad
Aven
Mer
Challen
Manny
Dylan

But John, please. Please. Just read the first paragraph of my response several times before making any rash decisions.

Hope this helps!

Your BFF, Mel


Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW DO I GET OUT OF THE CAVE LEVEL IN ALADDIN FOR SEGA GENESIS?

"how do you get out of the cave level in Aladdin for sega genesis?

-1994"


Dear year that I turned 10,

While the angelic soundtrack is poring over the crannies of my mind (Thank you Alan Menken and Tim Rice), I should probably remind you that Sega came out with Aladdin in '93. This means two of two things: firstly that you're still playing a really bad video game a year after its release ( I'm choosing to play along and in so doing am perpetuating this whole 'curious question-asker posing as a year in the past' charade), and secondly that I'm very very sorry. For the love of God, travel forward and learn about Scribblenauts. You want problem solving? That friggen game allows me to pit Tyrannosaurus Rexes against Cthulu. It's ridiculous.

Just in case you didn't think I took troubleshooting and/or vidya game questions seriously, I'm about to provide you with a thought-nugget that may actually BLOW YA MIND. Presuming you're referring to the Cave of Wonders level, there is a device I have employed in a way that only a true straight shooter could. You may be familiar with it, though it's still in its developing stages and it currently only informs about 92% of North America. I've heard it will reach the remaining 8% as soon as wireless versions of it function adequately out there in them bayous.

Come to think of it, we may have been asked by a slightly more bothered writer-in about how exactly to set up those there wireless networks out in them there bayous. Mel will tackle that issue at some point this week I'm sure. We don't just answer stuff, we care. Some of the time.

Go here, and then use 'find' in your web browser to locate the section on the cave.

Hope this helps and don't be wastin' my time no' mo',

-Chomps

Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': AUSTIN POWERS AND RACIAL TENSION

"austin powers 1 or 2?

-Anonymus"


Dear Anonymous,

Did you see Canada play Slovakia the other night? Boy was that third period amazing. Did you spend the whole game thinking that when they refer to the Slovakian team as “Slo-vaks”, it sounds a little on the racial-slurry side? Me too.

All that slo-vak business reminded me of the time when the Pause crew came up with the name “sun-penguin” in hopes that kids everywhere would pick up the slang and start using it thinking it was a huge insult when really it was just a made-up name that derived from a conversation about words that sound like racial slurs but really aren’t.

Somewhere along the line, as I watched the slo-vaks almost boot our asses in a matter of 5 minutes (which I kinda’ hoped would happen cause I had a really bad feeling about Sunday’s game [not to say that I’m psychic or I possess the impressive clairvoyance of say, oh, Daphne from Frasier, but I do think my stomach pains sometimes predict the future])...where was I? Oh yes, well during all of these thoughts about good ol’ fashioned games of shinny and the Pause boys’ not-so-racially-charged humour, I realized that all of my Pausal Advice obligations had been shirked all week. Perhaps I was busy? Perhaps I was watching too much of the Olympics? Perhaps Eric’s away with his Cutie-Kat all week and I have to give my responses to Andrew to post instead (BARF!) so I just didn’t do it out of spite?
Regardless, here I am, for you, Anonymous. And my answer to you is this:

2.

‘Nuff said.

Final note 1: Andrew doesn't really make me barf. I can’t when he’s around, ‘cause he always has Pepto.

Final note 2: I’m sorry that my second sentence was fairly run-on, causing you to read it without taking a breath.

Hope this helps!

-Mel

Have a question? Email straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU SHOOT A PAL WHO'S ATTRACTED TO A FRIENDS MOTHER?

"hi straight shooting. what advice would you shoot a pal who's attracted to
a friends mother?"

-Mike

Michael,

There are a lot of things that I want to say to you right now. Bear in mind that I'm coming from a place where the vast majority of my male friends in high school had something to say about my mom, who is by and large a great fit for the definition of MILF.

You're welcome, Ma.

Wanting to take an attraction to the next level is a plan that I would generally support. Love is fickle, fleeting, and the things we do because of it make all the sense in the world at the time. Women with maturity and experience are obviously appealing to you, and why should I chastise you for that? I am, after all, a reasonably experienced and mature woman. Did it sound like I was coming on to you just then? It should have.

No but seriously, dating your friend's mother is a bush league effing move. I mean, as if there aren't enough older women out there who aren't the ones who gave birth to your friend that you could hit on instead. Let's explore less douchey avenues. What you should really do is craft yourself an intriguing craigslist ad. I'll do most of the grunt work. My advisory notes are in italics.

Subject: Oldie but a Goodie? I'm interested.
Hot (if you are), young (if you are), single (you had BETTER be!) gentleman seeking the company of a fine lady who knows a thing or two about being forty (Forty and older? Forty - fifty? Depends entirely on the depths of your perversion). My friends' mothers need not apply, as I am not looking to ruin any one's life. I enjoy long sessions of Wii Tennis, Taco Tuesdays and keg stands.

The babes'll come a' runnin, dude.

Love Always and hope this helps,
Chomps

Have a question? Email straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW DO I MAKE MOTORCYCLE GANGS COOL AGAIN?

"How can i make motorcycle gangs cool again?!

-Jordan D."



Darling Jordan D,

I'm sorry, cool again?

Hope this helps,
Chomps


Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO SEE MY EMBARRASSING FACEBOOK PHOTOS

"hi shooter Mcgavin. I am getting a facebook request from my own mother and I don't want her to see the things I've done. What should I do?

-Sarah"

Ohhh Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...

Hell-LAAOOOOoooooo?! For starters, you should stop referring to people as Shooter McGavin over the internet. If you, as a Pause fan (obvs), understand the Pause demographic, then you of course know that Pause Designs fans consist of, if I may label them as such, Gen-Y-ers, whose parents were most likely in their early-to-mid-30s when Adam Sandler was in his SNL heyday, thus proving they were still at an understanding age in terms of humour when Sandler’s masterpiece Happy Gilmore rolled out highlighting one, Shooter McGavin. Congratulations. In what you thought was an innocently funny greeting, you gave your mom fuel to do the following: accuse you of hating old people; force you to take up golf because she now thinks you have an interest in it; get mad at you for wanting her to eat pieces of shit for breakfast.

It’s time to clean up your act. You have 2 options, the first of which is simply unusable because, let’s face it, she’s in your real life, and homie won’t play dat:

Option 1: Ignore her request. Ouch.

Option 2: Perform a full-profile clean-up, then add her and be the first to comment on her page.

So you’ve picked Option 2. Premium! Now follow these steps to achieve the optimal mother-daughter Facebook experience:

1. Delete the Facebook friends that are only your Facebook friends because you hung out with them in elementary and early high school but haven’t spoken to since the old slumber party days, or else you can definitely expect her to ask why you’re friends with them on Facebook but, “Weyyelll hyyow come you nyyever hyyave [insert name or list of names] over ayynymore?”

2. Delete all photos/photo albums that have pictures of you in questionable situations. This includes but is not limited to: photos of your boobs being grabbed; photos of you kissing another girl when you aren’t a lesbian; photos of the trashed hotel room you shared with multiple dudes you weren’t dating after you all threw up together in the bathtub, etc., etc.

3. Change your profile picture to one of you smiling. Be sure that this photograph doesn’t exploit any younger siblings, cousins, nephews, nieces, etc. Next, change your status to read something to the effect of: “is sooooo happy todayyyyy!! :)”

I can’t stress to you enough how critical your every Facebook move will be from the moment you click “Accept”. It will be quite clear, immediately, if you didn’t do enough to cushion the new e-friendship’s delicate state. We at Pause ourselves can’t deny that we’ve been Facebookily caught in the act by our own ‘rents. My dear mom misconstrued my sarcastic comment regarding tattoo-ridden ‘scenester’ girls cupping their naked breasts in photographs as one meaning I was about to tattoo myself. My poor co-blogger Chompsy recently had a Facebook run-in with her mother surrounding the fact that her profile picture was that of her in a rather personal, yet somehow un-vulnerable position sur une toilette (a photograph about which I, too, as Chompsy’s dear friend and confidant was e-lectured). Needless to say, you’ve come to the right place for advice.

Now in a deep British accent I implore you to take heed, dear Sarah: Thy paths hath been laid beforest thou. But which shall thou taketh? Bestowed upon you hath been my advice. Thy noble journey doth begin with the Pause hand on thy shoulder, the wise whisper of one to whom you turned for advice in the drum of thine ear, and the decision...that which decideth thy matron’s fate: acceptance or ignorance, extends towards thy future.

Hopeth this helpst,

-Mel Dorado

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW DO I GROW A BEARD?

"HOW DO I GROW A BEARD?

- Anonymous"

Dear Nudie-chin,

Invest in the Idomo Furniture franchise. The pieces will fall into place quickly thereafter.

You’re welcome!

- Mel

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOIN': HOW DO I BECOME A SUPERHERO?

"hi straight shooter. i am interested in becoming a superhero and i dont
know where to begin?!"

-anonymous


Dear Sir/Miss Nonymous,

You've already taken a step in the right direction by not disclosing your real name. I can see you take this profession seriously.

I'm hoping this doesn't disappoint you too much, but I've got what some might consider to be bad news. It'll get better, but it might feel like a hot bullet through your aspirations before the good part comes. Just indulge me, I'm either an expert in this, or I know someone who pretends to be.

There is no way for you to become a superhero of your own volition. My sources (and I have at least one) have told me that most superheroes become the way they are by way of unfortunate accidents that yield extraordinary results. Peter Parker's plight comes to mind. You may also be familiar with Johnny Blaze's/Ghost Rider's sordid past. The other kind of superhero comes from a universe outside our own, like Superman, or Martian Manhunter. Some of them are gods where they're from: Thor, Ares, blah blah blah blah.

It's probably becoming clear to you now that your odds don't look good. Radioactive spiders, Gamma rays or being born an Amazonian princess aren't possible gateways in. Ever. But hark, for I've an idea that you just might ADORE.

Become a super villain. Not only is your initiation much easier to achieve, but in a world where everyone is striving to be good, why not spread some unadulterated evil? There's simply not enough of it, as far as I'm concerned.

All super villains have become the way they are because they've found someone or something to bitch about. Whether it's something dreadful that a superhero inadvertently did to them that crushed their dreams, or an unfortunate mishap involving a jilted lover and some radiation that fuses a harness with crazy ass robot arms to their back, they're pissed and they don't care who dies because of it. Far easier an avenue for you, if I do say so myself.

Now, how you go about this is entirely your choice. I don't know how public you want this whole 'coming out' thing to be, but there are plenty of ways to make a splash. From what I know about humans, they tend to gather around electronics store windows filled with television sets right when the bad guy's wreaking havoc and some one's managed to catch it on camera. Seems viable. *Find a news camera, and do something treacherous in front of it.

Under no circumstances should you settle on being any one's sidekick. There's no excuse for that, and I won't have it happen as a result of my advice. Y'heard?

Godspeed,
Chomps

*Disclaimer: If you end up in jail, this does NOT give you license to come after me. I created you, I can take you away. Or something.

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!