STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU SHOOT A PAL WHO'S ATTRACTED TO A FRIENDS MOTHER?

"hi straight shooting. what advice would you shoot a pal who's attracted to
a friends mother?"

-Mike

Michael,

There are a lot of things that I want to say to you right now. Bear in mind that I'm coming from a place where the vast majority of my male friends in high school had something to say about my mom, who is by and large a great fit for the definition of MILF.

You're welcome, Ma.

Wanting to take an attraction to the next level is a plan that I would generally support. Love is fickle, fleeting, and the things we do because of it make all the sense in the world at the time. Women with maturity and experience are obviously appealing to you, and why should I chastise you for that? I am, after all, a reasonably experienced and mature woman. Did it sound like I was coming on to you just then? It should have.

No but seriously, dating your friend's mother is a bush league effing move. I mean, as if there aren't enough older women out there who aren't the ones who gave birth to your friend that you could hit on instead. Let's explore less douchey avenues. What you should really do is craft yourself an intriguing craigslist ad. I'll do most of the grunt work. My advisory notes are in italics.

Subject: Oldie but a Goodie? I'm interested.
Hot (if you are), young (if you are), single (you had BETTER be!) gentleman seeking the company of a fine lady who knows a thing or two about being forty (Forty and older? Forty - fifty? Depends entirely on the depths of your perversion). My friends' mothers need not apply, as I am not looking to ruin any one's life. I enjoy long sessions of Wii Tennis, Taco Tuesdays and keg stands.

The babes'll come a' runnin, dude.

Love Always and hope this helps,
Chomps

Have a question? Email straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW DO I MAKE MOTORCYCLE GANGS COOL AGAIN?

"How can i make motorcycle gangs cool again?!

-Jordan D."



Darling Jordan D,

I'm sorry, cool again?

Hope this helps,
Chomps


Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO SEE MY EMBARRASSING FACEBOOK PHOTOS

"hi shooter Mcgavin. I am getting a facebook request from my own mother and I don't want her to see the things I've done. What should I do?

-Sarah"

Ohhh Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...

Hell-LAAOOOOoooooo?! For starters, you should stop referring to people as Shooter McGavin over the internet. If you, as a Pause fan (obvs), understand the Pause demographic, then you of course know that Pause Designs fans consist of, if I may label them as such, Gen-Y-ers, whose parents were most likely in their early-to-mid-30s when Adam Sandler was in his SNL heyday, thus proving they were still at an understanding age in terms of humour when Sandler’s masterpiece Happy Gilmore rolled out highlighting one, Shooter McGavin. Congratulations. In what you thought was an innocently funny greeting, you gave your mom fuel to do the following: accuse you of hating old people; force you to take up golf because she now thinks you have an interest in it; get mad at you for wanting her to eat pieces of shit for breakfast.

It’s time to clean up your act. You have 2 options, the first of which is simply unusable because, let’s face it, she’s in your real life, and homie won’t play dat:

Option 1: Ignore her request. Ouch.

Option 2: Perform a full-profile clean-up, then add her and be the first to comment on her page.

So you’ve picked Option 2. Premium! Now follow these steps to achieve the optimal mother-daughter Facebook experience:

1. Delete the Facebook friends that are only your Facebook friends because you hung out with them in elementary and early high school but haven’t spoken to since the old slumber party days, or else you can definitely expect her to ask why you’re friends with them on Facebook but, “Weyyelll hyyow come you nyyever hyyave [insert name or list of names] over ayynymore?”

2. Delete all photos/photo albums that have pictures of you in questionable situations. This includes but is not limited to: photos of your boobs being grabbed; photos of you kissing another girl when you aren’t a lesbian; photos of the trashed hotel room you shared with multiple dudes you weren’t dating after you all threw up together in the bathtub, etc., etc.

3. Change your profile picture to one of you smiling. Be sure that this photograph doesn’t exploit any younger siblings, cousins, nephews, nieces, etc. Next, change your status to read something to the effect of: “is sooooo happy todayyyyy!! :)”

I can’t stress to you enough how critical your every Facebook move will be from the moment you click “Accept”. It will be quite clear, immediately, if you didn’t do enough to cushion the new e-friendship’s delicate state. We at Pause ourselves can’t deny that we’ve been Facebookily caught in the act by our own ‘rents. My dear mom misconstrued my sarcastic comment regarding tattoo-ridden ‘scenester’ girls cupping their naked breasts in photographs as one meaning I was about to tattoo myself. My poor co-blogger Chompsy recently had a Facebook run-in with her mother surrounding the fact that her profile picture was that of her in a rather personal, yet somehow un-vulnerable position sur une toilette (a photograph about which I, too, as Chompsy’s dear friend and confidant was e-lectured). Needless to say, you’ve come to the right place for advice.

Now in a deep British accent I implore you to take heed, dear Sarah: Thy paths hath been laid beforest thou. But which shall thou taketh? Bestowed upon you hath been my advice. Thy noble journey doth begin with the Pause hand on thy shoulder, the wise whisper of one to whom you turned for advice in the drum of thine ear, and the decision...that which decideth thy matron’s fate: acceptance or ignorance, extends towards thy future.

Hopeth this helpst,

-Mel Dorado

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW DO I GROW A BEARD?

"HOW DO I GROW A BEARD?

- Anonymous"

Dear Nudie-chin,

Invest in the Idomo Furniture franchise. The pieces will fall into place quickly thereafter.

You’re welcome!

- Mel

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOIN': HOW DO I BECOME A SUPERHERO?

"hi straight shooter. i am interested in becoming a superhero and i dont
know where to begin?!"

-anonymous


Dear Sir/Miss Nonymous,

You've already taken a step in the right direction by not disclosing your real name. I can see you take this profession seriously.

I'm hoping this doesn't disappoint you too much, but I've got what some might consider to be bad news. It'll get better, but it might feel like a hot bullet through your aspirations before the good part comes. Just indulge me, I'm either an expert in this, or I know someone who pretends to be.

There is no way for you to become a superhero of your own volition. My sources (and I have at least one) have told me that most superheroes become the way they are by way of unfortunate accidents that yield extraordinary results. Peter Parker's plight comes to mind. You may also be familiar with Johnny Blaze's/Ghost Rider's sordid past. The other kind of superhero comes from a universe outside our own, like Superman, or Martian Manhunter. Some of them are gods where they're from: Thor, Ares, blah blah blah blah.

It's probably becoming clear to you now that your odds don't look good. Radioactive spiders, Gamma rays or being born an Amazonian princess aren't possible gateways in. Ever. But hark, for I've an idea that you just might ADORE.

Become a super villain. Not only is your initiation much easier to achieve, but in a world where everyone is striving to be good, why not spread some unadulterated evil? There's simply not enough of it, as far as I'm concerned.

All super villains have become the way they are because they've found someone or something to bitch about. Whether it's something dreadful that a superhero inadvertently did to them that crushed their dreams, or an unfortunate mishap involving a jilted lover and some radiation that fuses a harness with crazy ass robot arms to their back, they're pissed and they don't care who dies because of it. Far easier an avenue for you, if I do say so myself.

Now, how you go about this is entirely your choice. I don't know how public you want this whole 'coming out' thing to be, but there are plenty of ways to make a splash. From what I know about humans, they tend to gather around electronics store windows filled with television sets right when the bad guy's wreaking havoc and some one's managed to catch it on camera. Seems viable. *Find a news camera, and do something treacherous in front of it.

Under no circumstances should you settle on being any one's sidekick. There's no excuse for that, and I won't have it happen as a result of my advice. Y'heard?

Godspeed,
Chomps

*Disclaimer: If you end up in jail, this does NOT give you license to come after me. I created you, I can take you away. Or something.

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': JACKIE CHAN OR CHRIS TUCKER?

"if jackie chan or chris tucker were both having separate rush hour three
parties and invited me. whos should i go to?

-Jamie"

Peep this Jamie:

I’mma give it to you straight. I think we both know the answer to this question, and it has nothing to do with the fact that for, oh, let’s say the last 14 years or so, ever since one Meesta’ Chan rumbled our bronxes, it has been pretty hip to be a fan of Jackie Chan, for realsies. But lemme hitchu’ with some street cred knowledge:

Jackie Chan was Bruce Lee’s stunt double. Street cred 1. Even Bwoo Swee didn’t wanna do what Jackie do. Jackie Chan’s kung fu movies are funny on purpose. Street cred 2. Jackie Chan is a singer. Did you even KNOW he’s released 20 albums since 1984? Street cred 3. Jackie Chan climbed his way up the Hollywood ladder with Cannonball Run 1 AND 2, and didn’t even wanna! Street Cred 4. Jackie Chan owns a heck of a lot of stuff, from his own clothing lines, to a sushi restaurant chain, to fitness clubs. Street cred 5. Need I continue? The man has/does it all.

Now a quick glance at his adversary: Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker is a deadbeat dad. His 10-year-old kid lives with his mom in California while Chris lives in Florida. Chris Tucker is a big baby who refused to do Rush Hour 2 unless he got $20 million for it. Street cred point here though: He got the $20 mill. And J-Chan only got $15 mill. Big street cred point because Chris Tucker was in Friday with none other than Ice Cube. Point deducted, however, as Chris Tucker became a born-again Christian and would not reprise his role in Next Friday.

Jackie Chan has been in over 100 films and television shows in his career. This list does not even include his stunt work, his directing, his producing, or appearances as himself. Chris Tucker has been in 12. Yes, 12. Three of which were Rush Hour related.

The fact that Jackie Chan can even find time to throw a party is a fantastical ninja feat in itself. I mean, what's Chris Tucker been doing with his time, really? He's had what appears to be a lot of spare time to plan his shindig, posing what some may refer to as "an unfair advantage". But can I be real witchu' for a second? Fair or unfair, in no way is Chris Tucker's party advantageous over a Chan Fam Soirée.

Jackie Chan will lovingly prepare sushi for you. He will perform a ballad for you in over 5 different languages. He will kick your ass and you will like it, not just because society says you should.

Chris Tucker will get drunk, impregnate you, and throw up on your new kicks, because he has time to be hungover for the next few days. Chris Tucker will give away the plot to Rush Hour 4 without even alerting you as to a potential spoiler. Chris Tucker: Man? Or foe? Sorry Tuck, just because you were in an episode of Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper, doesn’t mean I vote for your party.

Jackie Chan would not only throw a good party, but he would go to yours if you threw one, Jamie. Jackie Chan is your friend, and he doesn’t even know it yet.
Jamie, I’m thinkin’ Chinese tonight.

Hope this helps!

-Mel, Pause Snake vs. Crane division

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW DO I GET A HIP HOP NAME?

"How do you get your hip hop name? Is this something, which is given to you, by your bros’ as a nickname? I have finally written some songs but I need a cool name to go with them.

Thanks bro’!


-Chad"

Dearest Chadley,

While I am unfamiliar with how most people in the biz determine or declare their Hip Hop handles, I can tell you about where mine came from. You see, I'm a bit of a rule breaker. A radical.

Here's what you have to do. Adequate street cred will follow, but if you stray from these instructions, your cred actually inverts in on itself. It's messy; people rarely come back from it. Vanilla Ice bought a real-life wallaby and ended up on reality TV with Da Brat. Another unfortunate choice on her part.

1) Start with your favourite food. For me, that's easy. French fries. Then, what food is that food made out of? My answer is obviously 'potatoes'. If your favourite food is eggplant, or chicken, this eliminates a step for you.

2) Next up, your deepest darkest skeleton hiding in the closet needs to be pulled out. Like, this one time in first grade I hoofed a guy in the stomach because he wanted to kiss me. Then when he threatened to tell I cried to the teacher and made it sound like I had apologized and he wouldn't listen. Yours might be something like 'had to write to Pause Designs for hip hop name advice.' You could shorten that to 'Asky', or something risk-taking like 'Dunce'.

3) Last, is to be sure of what you hope to accomplish in your career. Whether it's to interrupt people's acceptance speeches and irritate them even though your music is really catchy and you have sunglasses that look like window shutters, or to date Jennifer Lopez in order to get ahead because you couldn't get out from underneath the shadow of the talent that your late mentor seemed to ooze from his every pore. Your goals will dictate whether your name should end in a 'ye' a 'y' (or variations like 'eezy') a 'z' or even (if you've sets your sights REALLY high) a 'G'.

I hope this helps.
May you say raps that pierce us to the very core.

ONE,
Spud-ye Gutz


I forgot. A prefix like 'Lil' is ONLY allowed if you're part of a hip hop legacy. This does not include your father if he happens to be a rapper, because he'd probably be really upset that you came to us too and would reject this blemish on his cred. Chin up, Chadwell.

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW DO I AVOID GRIZZLY BEAR ATTACKS?

"Dear Pause,

How do I avoid Grizzly bear attacks? You never know...


-Matt"


Dear Matt:
Good question! As Pause Design’s expert fur trapper and resident chest hair enthusiast, Andrew should really be answering this question. However, my research skills are above par. Thus, I am happy to supply you with an easy-to-understand interpretation of some bear attack avoidance tactics I found at the ever-helpful HowStuffWorks.com.

1. Don't accidentally surprise a mother grizzly and cubs and forget to have quick access to your gun. This is imperative, because otherwise, death is imminent.

2. Learn to read the bear’s body language. If the bear looks like he’s foaming at the mouth when he sees you, or if he begins barreling maniacally towards you with the blood of the human you just saw him eating dripping from his fangs, you may be in trouble. If the bear looks like he’s performing Baryshnikov's finest ballet and is softly singing to you about being BFFs and drinking kool-aid, you may be in trouble still. These bears are suave, and soooo-phisticated, and you sir, will have been duped if you are suddenly pirouetting amidst the bear scat.

3. Pay attention to your surroundings. If you are surrounded by grizzly bears, you’re in a tight spot. It is best to try not to get surrounded by them.

4. Grizzlies will attack for a number of reasons; one of them being, you are near its food. Keep in mind: Grizzlies are omnivorous. This means that they eat plants, insects, and other animals. They are also very adaptable, so they could really eat anything. This means that you are probably standing in grizzly bear territory right now. You are not safe. I'm warning you. If you are near anything, I repeat, anything, you will probably be attacked eventually.

5. Don't make direct eye contact. Grizzlies are extremely commitment-phobic. If you make eye contact, they will assume you are hitting on them in hopes of starting a long-term relationship. You will die as a result.

Hope this helps!
- Mel, Adventure Division, Pause Designs

Have a question? E-mail it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!