A question I sometimes ask myself....

"Is it normal that I treat my cat like I would my own child (if I had one that is)? Or am I just that pathetic?


photo #1
she was on kitty crack, aka, cat nip.

photo #2
she was dancing in the moonlight.

photo #3
my gf was teaching her how to put make up on. . .she failed.

-[mANNEe]
LA, California"

First things first [mANNEe], thanks for making your signature so annoying to retype.

Second things second. No, it's not normal. Yes, you are pathetic.

But so am I. So's everybody who takes pet lovin' to the next level. This is the level that usually occurs four major mental illnesses away from bestiality, so watch out for that. You wanna know what I do when I get home from work every day?

The following is a conversation between Chomps and Aggie and/or Winnie (both domestic short-haired felines).

Chomps: Hellooooo! Helloo my babes!

[Chomps picks up one of the cats in an embrace]

cat: ...

Chomps: Helllooo! did you have a good day my babes?

cat: ...

Chomps: What did you learn today? Did you learn anything good?

[cat squirming uncomfortably]

Chomps: Did you be's a good a girl today?

[cat tries to get down in order to mind its own business and be left alone]

Chomps: Who's my best girl? is it you?

[cat jumps down, poops inside box full of gravel]

You take pictures, I talk to them like they're infants. Actually scratch that, I don't even think I'd talk to an infant that way. I've got serious issues. Can you help me?

Hope you can help(s),
BAI and has a good nyte,
Chomps

STRAIGHT SHOOIN': WHAT'S WITH BIEBER FEVER?

"1. my question....what's the deal with bieber fever?"

-Turdhole

Beaumont, California

Hey Turdhole,

Let’s get serious for a second: we’re all a little curious about the Bieb, but each of us exerts our Bieb-energy in our own unique way. Par example: I currently have a mushroom cut. Sometimes Chomps wears cranberry-hued skinny jeans. I’m sure Eric must own a pair of flashy hightops. Heck, even Andrew at times discusses small-town Ontariolife in a hip, Hot-lanta accent. We’re all technically guilty of catching the bug. The question is, why all of a sudden are our all-time favourite activities being attributed to the fact that this luscious lad at some point also did these things?

Look, in truth, Bieber Fever has always been in our lives. I suppose we just never had a name for it until now. What I mean to say is, he is nothing but a regurgitation of everything we have already seen, yet he personifies our culture so well. As did the Beatles back in the 60s. But remember, before the Beatles and their fancy haircuts, there was Moe. Before Lady Gaga? Madonna. Before Bieber? Lesbians.

 Just keep in mind, there is no remedy for the Bieber pandemic. We all have something in common with J-Biebs, thus creating this inexplicable connection to him that we all feel, and we need to learn to live with it. Your own STBieb is going to be annoying, and at times, deeply itchy and uncomfortable, but you’ll warn your current and future partners about it and you will cope together.

So, in short, asking Straight Shootin’ what the deal is with Bieber fever will get you about as far as I got when I googled “Why do I fart when I exercise?”...FYI, that’s nowhere. You must look inside yourself. And if that doesn’t help, try googling “lesbians that look like Justin Bieber.” For serious. You’ll figure it out.

Happy to help!

-Mel

Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

so so SO many dollars.

"Hello, my name is Brown Cheng from Hong Kong
I have a business that I want to offer you.This
projects worth 22.5 Million Dollars and you will
have a 50% share from the total amount.
I will give you the full details in my next
e-mail and what I need from you. So if you are
interested please contact me back at my personal
address contactmsft@aol.com

Mr. Brown Cheng"

Soooo basically I can't lose, right?

I do kinda want to know what 'contactmsft' means. Is he the only person in his family that liked that Jodie Foster movie, thusly making him an outcast, or 'misfit?' Is it an acronym for Make Some Friggen...Twoonies? Does he have massive feet? Am I to touch them? I won't do that.

What's aol? Is that something? Where am I?

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': INTERN APPLICATION

"hi
my name is samantha and im in yr 10 from westsfields sports high. i was wondering if pause designs does work experience?
please do reply back :)"

Samantha, it's not like I resent you for kind of being the catalyst that brought about the arduous undertaking of an intern application. But it's kind of like I do resent you, too.

This preliminary question is specifically geared to you:

1. a) Westsfields Sports High? Do you know the Wakefield twins at Sweet Valley? No but seriously that's awesome. You're in tenth year which means you maybe didn't have a Sweet Valley phase but lemme intrigue you with THIS:



I know what you're thinking, "is that theme song performed by the singer from Cowboy Junkies?" You're not thinking that at all, are you.

On to the application:

1. b) If hired on as our intern, what sort of job experience are you hoping to walk away with? How will you take the experience acquired here and apply it to your future career? What good things will you say about us?

This question concludes the end of the professional interview. Now we gauge your sense of humour and unflappability.

2. Would you mesh well with three young male entrepreneurs who have penchants for all things spectacular? Would you say that you are willing to dole out compliments regarding their general handsomeness as well as brilliance? To Ken especially?

3. EMERGENCY! STEVE THE CORGI JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE AND IS CHASING AFTER WHAT APPEARS TO BE A BUTTERFLY. What do you do?
a) congratulate him.
b) tell on him.
c) catch the butterfly yourself and rub it in his cute little furry face.

4. I need you to do some fact-checking for me because I've got this crazy idea for a blog but it's a huge undertaking and I'm not actually a journalist or a writer. You:
a) put your nose to the grindstone and find stuff out about stuff.
b) tell me to take a hike, and maybe also that I'm a jerk.
c) pat me on the back and remind me that there's always time for pepperoni pizza.

5. What kind of dinosaur would you be, and why?
a) winged - eg. pterodactyl, turkey vulture, dragon
b) herbivore - eg. brachiosaurus, stegosaurus, vegan tyrannosaurus rex
c) carnivore - velociraptor (because let's face it, rock beats scissors, raptor kills everyone)

6. Let's talk favourite colours. Mine's purple. Discuss.

7. On any given day would you be willing to do the following:
a) be inspired
b) laugh
c) make others laugh
d) tickle Mel under the chin
e) all of the above

There. Seven burning questions without the unsightly rash. WRITE US BACK!

xoxo Chomps


Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': WHO IS DOG THE BOUTY HUNTER'S SPRAY TAN GUY?

"Who is Dog the Bounty Hunter's spray tan guy?"

Dear you,

Instead of entertaining this question with an answer that kind of requires me to get in touch with Dog's formidable yet scrumtrilescently gorgeous wife, I'm just going to think out loud for a couple paragraphs. I'm getting ready for bed and I'm reeling from a seriously terrible episode of Law and Order, so shit was going from bad to worse and now I'm faced with some of my own questions.

Firstly I have some genuine curiosity around whether or not questions about 'spray tanning' and the 'guys' that do it unto others are topics of civilized conversation. I basically live under a rock so bear with me on this but my grade ten experiences are kind of ingrained and I'm pretty steadfast in the notion that spray tanning is rarely a well thought out venture. I have a vivid memory of my friends' hands having dark orange lines where their usually not-orange much more human-like palms should have been. Never mind that, imagine the cracks behind your knees? Yikes.

I wonder what would happen if you just let it spray you for like 8 straight minutes with your mouth open? Maybe that's what Scooter from the Muppets mouth looks like inside. I wonder who his spray tan guy is?

Secondly, what's the deal with public transit seats that are covered with that red fabric? I was riding the Rocket two weekends ago and my Mom was like "this is disgusting". Since it was Mother's Day I supported her, but then I realized I wasn't just being patronizing. There's no reason to have tough-to-clean seats on a transit system that almost guarantees a steady supply of really gross stuff on peoples' pants and hands. Extrapolate this: I just looked down and realized I had ketchup on my jeans. Imagine who else would have my ketchup on their pants if I sat on a fabric transit seat?! This is a silent killer, probably.

I don't know guys. Is there a website I can contact with my questions about this obscure stuff? Wait. WAIT. What if there were a website that would answer obscure questions about public safety as it pertains to bodily fluids and ALSO sell me t-shirts with original art on them? I'm a fricking genius.

Hope this helps,
Chomps


Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': DO OLD PEOPLE WAKE UP EARLY TO MAKE SURE THEY AREN'T DEAD?

"Do Old People really wake up early to make sure they aren't dead?

-Ben S."


My friend,

You misunderstand. Anyone who has a grandmother knows this can't be true. Anyone with the sense to catch seniors in their natural habitat as a young sprite staying over in the guest bedroom knows this simply isn't the case.

They're writing lists. To-dos, to-buys, to-write-a-card-tos, et cetera, et cetera. They're scanning the pantry for how many cans of peaches to buy on their daily trip to the grocery store. God knows they've already got seven, but most old folks like to keep supplies at a steady eight. Sure, the oldest can on that shelf has long since been considered eatable because it's from 1994, but they wake up earlier than most small birds in order to make sure they remember to buy a new one.

They're also writing five dollar cheques for their grandchildren. They're filing important anecdotes in their extremely large brains that they're going to tell you over your grilled cheese sandwich lunch so that you don't keep walking around the house without slippers on, or crossing your eyes.

Though this may not sit nicely, I strongly feel you should check yourself before you riggidy WRECK yourself, because old people get more shit done in the small hours of the morning than we accomplish in an entire day. You'll note that it probably took you about 10 whole minutes to write and send your Straight Shootin' question, and it's taken me approximately 45 minutes to get this answer written. An elderly person has already hung 55 ugly Easter decorations on the outside of their bungalow in that combined time.

Those are the facts.

Love Always,
Chomps


Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW CAN I LOOK COOL WHILE USING A PC COMPUTER?

Mr. or Mrs. Shooter. We all know how people who own mac's dress and act. How do I dress and act cool with a PC? - sincerely, a PC user in need of some Jazz!

-Jazzless PC

________________________________________________________

Jeffrey (may I call you that?),

From one PC user to another, I gotta tell you straight up. We're doomed to play out the rest of our lives in disturbing sweater vests and ill-fitting slacks. Mac users are to coolness as female university students are to leggings and ironic moccasins, after all.

Nevertheless, we'll strive for greatness in even the bleakest of circumstances.

Zero to Hero in Six Easy Steps

1. Be cooler.

2. Buy cooler clothes. Came to the right place for this one.

3. If anyone asks you a question that you can't answer, tell them you'll go home and check your Mac and get back to them. Use whichever Mac related prefix or suffix you like. Adding "i" or "lite" or "book" will make it more likely that people will believe you. Most PC users don't even really know what kind of computer they have, so there's little chance you'll mish-mash your actual computer jargon with the fake one.

4. Try cutting your hair like Justin Long's. People love him. He's dreamy or something.

5. If someone comes over, make sure you tell them your Mac's in the shop getting...uh..serviced. PC's get fixed, Mac's get 'serviced' or 'upgraded'. They never need to be fixed because they were crafted on a mountain by the hands of giant-winged, well-endowed seraphim.

6. Stroll about with an undeserved sense of superiority. This will strike people as attractive if they are also Mac users. While us naked mole-rats are burrowing underneath the city streets, you will walk amongst the shiny happy ones.

Go forth and multiply.

Hope this helps,
Chomps

Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': WHAT SHOULD I NAME MY CHILDREN?

"Dear Straight Shootin',

I need to name my children, what first names are suitable?
example: Bur Gur...

peace and love to the pals at Pause.

-John"


Dear John,

I know you. I know you probably have good intentions. I know we’ve shared some good times in Ken’s family barn screaming along to budget metal and taking photos of what eventually would become the greatest clothing line ever. I know you probably don’t always talk the way you did that one time on webcam (for like, an hour straight, and none of us in that room who witnessed what went down on that camera will ever get that hour back). I know you, John. Not well, but enough. I know you enough to know that you should not procreate. John, hear me. Please. Do not have children.

Please note that based on your example of Bur Gur, I am assuming you are going for the Clever but Cruel route in naming your spawn. With that in mind, in the event that you screw up and go against my plea, the following names are suitable (I have also taken into account the time you have spent in other countries, which may lead to the need for names suitable to more than one ethnicity):

Ann
Finn
Bug
Warmon
Cou (pronounced Coo)
Humdin
Ja (pronounced both Ja, and Ya)
Lou
Ty
Zin

Stay away from the following, because people will think your last name is pronounced with a soft G:

Bad
Aven
Mer
Challen
Manny
Dylan

But John, please. Please. Just read the first paragraph of my response several times before making any rash decisions.

Hope this helps!

Your BFF, Mel


Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW DO I GET OUT OF THE CAVE LEVEL IN ALADDIN FOR SEGA GENESIS?

"how do you get out of the cave level in Aladdin for sega genesis?

-1994"


Dear year that I turned 10,

While the angelic soundtrack is poring over the crannies of my mind (Thank you Alan Menken and Tim Rice), I should probably remind you that Sega came out with Aladdin in '93. This means two of two things: firstly that you're still playing a really bad video game a year after its release ( I'm choosing to play along and in so doing am perpetuating this whole 'curious question-asker posing as a year in the past' charade), and secondly that I'm very very sorry. For the love of God, travel forward and learn about Scribblenauts. You want problem solving? That friggen game allows me to pit Tyrannosaurus Rexes against Cthulu. It's ridiculous.

Just in case you didn't think I took troubleshooting and/or vidya game questions seriously, I'm about to provide you with a thought-nugget that may actually BLOW YA MIND. Presuming you're referring to the Cave of Wonders level, there is a device I have employed in a way that only a true straight shooter could. You may be familiar with it, though it's still in its developing stages and it currently only informs about 92% of North America. I've heard it will reach the remaining 8% as soon as wireless versions of it function adequately out there in them bayous.

Come to think of it, we may have been asked by a slightly more bothered writer-in about how exactly to set up those there wireless networks out in them there bayous. Mel will tackle that issue at some point this week I'm sure. We don't just answer stuff, we care. Some of the time.

Go here, and then use 'find' in your web browser to locate the section on the cave.

Hope this helps and don't be wastin' my time no' mo',

-Chomps

Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': AUSTIN POWERS AND RACIAL TENSION

"austin powers 1 or 2?

-Anonymus"


Dear Anonymous,

Did you see Canada play Slovakia the other night? Boy was that third period amazing. Did you spend the whole game thinking that when they refer to the Slovakian team as “Slo-vaks”, it sounds a little on the racial-slurry side? Me too.

All that slo-vak business reminded me of the time when the Pause crew came up with the name “sun-penguin” in hopes that kids everywhere would pick up the slang and start using it thinking it was a huge insult when really it was just a made-up name that derived from a conversation about words that sound like racial slurs but really aren’t.

Somewhere along the line, as I watched the slo-vaks almost boot our asses in a matter of 5 minutes (which I kinda’ hoped would happen cause I had a really bad feeling about Sunday’s game [not to say that I’m psychic or I possess the impressive clairvoyance of say, oh, Daphne from Frasier, but I do think my stomach pains sometimes predict the future])...where was I? Oh yes, well during all of these thoughts about good ol’ fashioned games of shinny and the Pause boys’ not-so-racially-charged humour, I realized that all of my Pausal Advice obligations had been shirked all week. Perhaps I was busy? Perhaps I was watching too much of the Olympics? Perhaps Eric’s away with his Cutie-Kat all week and I have to give my responses to Andrew to post instead (BARF!) so I just didn’t do it out of spite?
Regardless, here I am, for you, Anonymous. And my answer to you is this:

2.

‘Nuff said.

Final note 1: Andrew doesn't really make me barf. I can’t when he’s around, ‘cause he always has Pepto.

Final note 2: I’m sorry that my second sentence was fairly run-on, causing you to read it without taking a breath.

Hope this helps!

-Mel

Have a question? Email straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!