A question I sometimes ask myself....

"Is it normal that I treat my cat like I would my own child (if I had one that is)? Or am I just that pathetic?


photo #1
she was on kitty crack, aka, cat nip.

photo #2
she was dancing in the moonlight.

photo #3
my gf was teaching her how to put make up on. . .she failed.

-[mANNEe]
LA, California"

First things first [mANNEe], thanks for making your signature so annoying to retype.

Second things second. No, it's not normal. Yes, you are pathetic.

But so am I. So's everybody who takes pet lovin' to the next level. This is the level that usually occurs four major mental illnesses away from bestiality, so watch out for that. You wanna know what I do when I get home from work every day?

The following is a conversation between Chomps and Aggie and/or Winnie (both domestic short-haired felines).

Chomps: Hellooooo! Helloo my babes!

[Chomps picks up one of the cats in an embrace]

cat: ...

Chomps: Helllooo! did you have a good day my babes?

cat: ...

Chomps: What did you learn today? Did you learn anything good?

[cat squirming uncomfortably]

Chomps: Did you be's a good a girl today?

[cat tries to get down in order to mind its own business and be left alone]

Chomps: Who's my best girl? is it you?

[cat jumps down, poops inside box full of gravel]

You take pictures, I talk to them like they're infants. Actually scratch that, I don't even think I'd talk to an infant that way. I've got serious issues. Can you help me?

Hope you can help(s),
BAI and has a good nyte,
Chomps

STRAIGHT SHOOIN': WHAT'S WITH BIEBER FEVER?

"1. my question....what's the deal with bieber fever?"

-Turdhole

Beaumont, California

Hey Turdhole,

Let’s get serious for a second: we’re all a little curious about the Bieb, but each of us exerts our Bieb-energy in our own unique way. Par example: I currently have a mushroom cut. Sometimes Chomps wears cranberry-hued skinny jeans. I’m sure Eric must own a pair of flashy hightops. Heck, even Andrew at times discusses small-town Ontariolife in a hip, Hot-lanta accent. We’re all technically guilty of catching the bug. The question is, why all of a sudden are our all-time favourite activities being attributed to the fact that this luscious lad at some point also did these things?

Look, in truth, Bieber Fever has always been in our lives. I suppose we just never had a name for it until now. What I mean to say is, he is nothing but a regurgitation of everything we have already seen, yet he personifies our culture so well. As did the Beatles back in the 60s. But remember, before the Beatles and their fancy haircuts, there was Moe. Before Lady Gaga? Madonna. Before Bieber? Lesbians.

 Just keep in mind, there is no remedy for the Bieber pandemic. We all have something in common with J-Biebs, thus creating this inexplicable connection to him that we all feel, and we need to learn to live with it. Your own STBieb is going to be annoying, and at times, deeply itchy and uncomfortable, but you’ll warn your current and future partners about it and you will cope together.

So, in short, asking Straight Shootin’ what the deal is with Bieber fever will get you about as far as I got when I googled “Why do I fart when I exercise?”...FYI, that’s nowhere. You must look inside yourself. And if that doesn’t help, try googling “lesbians that look like Justin Bieber.” For serious. You’ll figure it out.

Happy to help!

-Mel

Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

so so SO many dollars.

"Hello, my name is Brown Cheng from Hong Kong
I have a business that I want to offer you.This
projects worth 22.5 Million Dollars and you will
have a 50% share from the total amount.
I will give you the full details in my next
e-mail and what I need from you. So if you are
interested please contact me back at my personal
address contactmsft@aol.com

Mr. Brown Cheng"

Soooo basically I can't lose, right?

I do kinda want to know what 'contactmsft' means. Is he the only person in his family that liked that Jodie Foster movie, thusly making him an outcast, or 'misfit?' Is it an acronym for Make Some Friggen...Twoonies? Does he have massive feet? Am I to touch them? I won't do that.

What's aol? Is that something? Where am I?

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': INTERN APPLICATION

"hi
my name is samantha and im in yr 10 from westsfields sports high. i was wondering if pause designs does work experience?
please do reply back :)"

Samantha, it's not like I resent you for kind of being the catalyst that brought about the arduous undertaking of an intern application. But it's kind of like I do resent you, too.

This preliminary question is specifically geared to you:

1. a) Westsfields Sports High? Do you know the Wakefield twins at Sweet Valley? No but seriously that's awesome. You're in tenth year which means you maybe didn't have a Sweet Valley phase but lemme intrigue you with THIS:



I know what you're thinking, "is that theme song performed by the singer from Cowboy Junkies?" You're not thinking that at all, are you.

On to the application:

1. b) If hired on as our intern, what sort of job experience are you hoping to walk away with? How will you take the experience acquired here and apply it to your future career? What good things will you say about us?

This question concludes the end of the professional interview. Now we gauge your sense of humour and unflappability.

2. Would you mesh well with three young male entrepreneurs who have penchants for all things spectacular? Would you say that you are willing to dole out compliments regarding their general handsomeness as well as brilliance? To Ken especially?

3. EMERGENCY! STEVE THE CORGI JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE AND IS CHASING AFTER WHAT APPEARS TO BE A BUTTERFLY. What do you do?
a) congratulate him.
b) tell on him.
c) catch the butterfly yourself and rub it in his cute little furry face.

4. I need you to do some fact-checking for me because I've got this crazy idea for a blog but it's a huge undertaking and I'm not actually a journalist or a writer. You:
a) put your nose to the grindstone and find stuff out about stuff.
b) tell me to take a hike, and maybe also that I'm a jerk.
c) pat me on the back and remind me that there's always time for pepperoni pizza.

5. What kind of dinosaur would you be, and why?
a) winged - eg. pterodactyl, turkey vulture, dragon
b) herbivore - eg. brachiosaurus, stegosaurus, vegan tyrannosaurus rex
c) carnivore - velociraptor (because let's face it, rock beats scissors, raptor kills everyone)

6. Let's talk favourite colours. Mine's purple. Discuss.

7. On any given day would you be willing to do the following:
a) be inspired
b) laugh
c) make others laugh
d) tickle Mel under the chin
e) all of the above

There. Seven burning questions without the unsightly rash. WRITE US BACK!

xoxo Chomps


Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!