STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW CAN I LOOK COOL WHILE USING A PC COMPUTER?

Mr. or Mrs. Shooter. We all know how people who own mac's dress and act. How do I dress and act cool with a PC? - sincerely, a PC user in need of some Jazz!

-Jazzless PC

________________________________________________________

Jeffrey (may I call you that?),

From one PC user to another, I gotta tell you straight up. We're doomed to play out the rest of our lives in disturbing sweater vests and ill-fitting slacks. Mac users are to coolness as female university students are to leggings and ironic moccasins, after all.

Nevertheless, we'll strive for greatness in even the bleakest of circumstances.

Zero to Hero in Six Easy Steps

1. Be cooler.

2. Buy cooler clothes. Came to the right place for this one.

3. If anyone asks you a question that you can't answer, tell them you'll go home and check your Mac and get back to them. Use whichever Mac related prefix or suffix you like. Adding "i" or "lite" or "book" will make it more likely that people will believe you. Most PC users don't even really know what kind of computer they have, so there's little chance you'll mish-mash your actual computer jargon with the fake one.

4. Try cutting your hair like Justin Long's. People love him. He's dreamy or something.

5. If someone comes over, make sure you tell them your Mac's in the shop getting...uh..serviced. PC's get fixed, Mac's get 'serviced' or 'upgraded'. They never need to be fixed because they were crafted on a mountain by the hands of giant-winged, well-endowed seraphim.

6. Stroll about with an undeserved sense of superiority. This will strike people as attractive if they are also Mac users. While us naked mole-rats are burrowing underneath the city streets, you will walk amongst the shiny happy ones.

Go forth and multiply.

Hope this helps,
Chomps

Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': WHAT SHOULD I NAME MY CHILDREN?

"Dear Straight Shootin',

I need to name my children, what first names are suitable?
example: Bur Gur...

peace and love to the pals at Pause.

-John"


Dear John,

I know you. I know you probably have good intentions. I know we’ve shared some good times in Ken’s family barn screaming along to budget metal and taking photos of what eventually would become the greatest clothing line ever. I know you probably don’t always talk the way you did that one time on webcam (for like, an hour straight, and none of us in that room who witnessed what went down on that camera will ever get that hour back). I know you, John. Not well, but enough. I know you enough to know that you should not procreate. John, hear me. Please. Do not have children.

Please note that based on your example of Bur Gur, I am assuming you are going for the Clever but Cruel route in naming your spawn. With that in mind, in the event that you screw up and go against my plea, the following names are suitable (I have also taken into account the time you have spent in other countries, which may lead to the need for names suitable to more than one ethnicity):

Ann
Finn
Bug
Warmon
Cou (pronounced Coo)
Humdin
Ja (pronounced both Ja, and Ya)
Lou
Ty
Zin

Stay away from the following, because people will think your last name is pronounced with a soft G:

Bad
Aven
Mer
Challen
Manny
Dylan

But John, please. Please. Just read the first paragraph of my response several times before making any rash decisions.

Hope this helps!

Your BFF, Mel


Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': HOW DO I GET OUT OF THE CAVE LEVEL IN ALADDIN FOR SEGA GENESIS?

"how do you get out of the cave level in Aladdin for sega genesis?

-1994"


Dear year that I turned 10,

While the angelic soundtrack is poring over the crannies of my mind (Thank you Alan Menken and Tim Rice), I should probably remind you that Sega came out with Aladdin in '93. This means two of two things: firstly that you're still playing a really bad video game a year after its release ( I'm choosing to play along and in so doing am perpetuating this whole 'curious question-asker posing as a year in the past' charade), and secondly that I'm very very sorry. For the love of God, travel forward and learn about Scribblenauts. You want problem solving? That friggen game allows me to pit Tyrannosaurus Rexes against Cthulu. It's ridiculous.

Just in case you didn't think I took troubleshooting and/or vidya game questions seriously, I'm about to provide you with a thought-nugget that may actually BLOW YA MIND. Presuming you're referring to the Cave of Wonders level, there is a device I have employed in a way that only a true straight shooter could. You may be familiar with it, though it's still in its developing stages and it currently only informs about 92% of North America. I've heard it will reach the remaining 8% as soon as wireless versions of it function adequately out there in them bayous.

Come to think of it, we may have been asked by a slightly more bothered writer-in about how exactly to set up those there wireless networks out in them there bayous. Mel will tackle that issue at some point this week I'm sure. We don't just answer stuff, we care. Some of the time.

Go here, and then use 'find' in your web browser to locate the section on the cave.

Hope this helps and don't be wastin' my time no' mo',

-Chomps

Have a question? Email it to straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN': AUSTIN POWERS AND RACIAL TENSION

"austin powers 1 or 2?

-Anonymus"


Dear Anonymous,

Did you see Canada play Slovakia the other night? Boy was that third period amazing. Did you spend the whole game thinking that when they refer to the Slovakian team as “Slo-vaks”, it sounds a little on the racial-slurry side? Me too.

All that slo-vak business reminded me of the time when the Pause crew came up with the name “sun-penguin” in hopes that kids everywhere would pick up the slang and start using it thinking it was a huge insult when really it was just a made-up name that derived from a conversation about words that sound like racial slurs but really aren’t.

Somewhere along the line, as I watched the slo-vaks almost boot our asses in a matter of 5 minutes (which I kinda’ hoped would happen cause I had a really bad feeling about Sunday’s game [not to say that I’m psychic or I possess the impressive clairvoyance of say, oh, Daphne from Frasier, but I do think my stomach pains sometimes predict the future])...where was I? Oh yes, well during all of these thoughts about good ol’ fashioned games of shinny and the Pause boys’ not-so-racially-charged humour, I realized that all of my Pausal Advice obligations had been shirked all week. Perhaps I was busy? Perhaps I was watching too much of the Olympics? Perhaps Eric’s away with his Cutie-Kat all week and I have to give my responses to Andrew to post instead (BARF!) so I just didn’t do it out of spite?
Regardless, here I am, for you, Anonymous. And my answer to you is this:

2.

‘Nuff said.

Final note 1: Andrew doesn't really make me barf. I can’t when he’s around, ‘cause he always has Pepto.

Final note 2: I’m sorry that my second sentence was fairly run-on, causing you to read it without taking a breath.

Hope this helps!

-Mel

Have a question? Email straightshootin@pausedesigns.com!