"Do Old People really wake up early to make sure they aren't dead?
-Ben S."
My friend,
You misunderstand. Anyone who has a grandmother knows this can't be true. Anyone with the sense to catch seniors in their natural habitat as a young sprite staying over in the guest bedroom knows this simply isn't the case.
They're writing lists. To-dos, to-buys, to-write-a-card-tos, et cetera, et cetera. They're scanning the pantry for how many cans of peaches to buy on their daily trip to the grocery store. God knows they've already got seven, but most old folks like to keep supplies at a steady eight. Sure, the oldest can on that shelf has long since been considered eatable because it's from 1994, but they wake up earlier than most small birds in order to make sure they remember to buy a new one.
They're also writing five dollar cheques for their grandchildren. They're filing important anecdotes in their extremely large brains that they're going to tell you over your grilled cheese sandwich lunch so that you don't keep walking around the house without slippers on, or crossing your eyes.
Though this may not sit nicely, I strongly feel you should check yourself before you riggidy WRECK yourself, because old people get more shit done in the small hours of the morning than we accomplish in an entire day. You'll note that it probably took you about 10 whole minutes to write and send your Straight Shootin' question, and it's taken me approximately 45 minutes to get this answer written. An elderly person has already hung 55 ugly Easter decorations on the outside of their bungalow in that combined time.
Those are the facts.
Love Always,
Chomps
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